Into the Wild

Tomorrow, some friends are taking us hiking. We're going to see a few of the many waterfalls that dot the landscape around Asheville and Western North Carolina. Since I'm the suspicious one, I think it could also very well be a trap to lure us into the hills where we'll be hunted for sport by the locals. Either way, I needed new shoes.

So Michael and I went to the Mast General Store in downtown Asheville to look for hiking boots. My immediate reaction to this whole hiking business was to go to LL Bean's website and order up some Gore-Tex. Having spent a few years in New England, I learned that if you're going outside, you need to go to LL Bean first. But here we have Mast. When we found the outdoorsy section, there was a helpful list posted of essential hiking items, like a compass, rain gear and a helicopter to airlift you to the nearest hospital. This part troubled me. I've seen Blair Witch and Deliverance and Harry Potter. I know that no good can come from outsiders traipsing off into the woods on an adventure. Luckily, we have our friends to guide us. That is, if they're not hunting us down like animals.

Michael and I ended up getting matching hiking boots, which wasn't our intention. Hopefully, the bears and mountain lions will be too busy laughing to eat us. Besides some socks and a new bandanna for Henry, we didn't get anything else from the essential hiking list. I decided I wanted a survival knife and my first instinct was to turn to LL Bean and order a Leatherman pocket tool, but then I found this:

Couldn't you just squeal like a pig? Of course, my online search for knives and swords also turned up another option:

Trusting that after all these years, I'm better with a light saber than a knife, I decided on the Luke Skywalker blue model from Episode IV: A New Hope. You just can't go wrong with a classic.

If we don't return, I want Matthew McConaughey to play me in the movie. And make sure he takes his shirt off a lot. I want the audience to see his/my abs.